Uncut: Spam


They are starting to give me spasms again, the spams.

Not that they plug my inbox in the way they used to, in the beginning, when spam caught us all off guard, and we looked forward to it, because it fascinated us and we wondered where it all came from, who wrote it, who sent it and how did we get on their list, but now I have very efficient anti-spamming software that diverts all junk immediately and with precision.

Most days.

Not last week.

All of a sudden, without any warning, my anti-spamming spammer collapsed and my inbox jammed with news from across the world with my incredible luck and good fortune and the incredible bad luck and misfortune of others.

It stunned me, that I could be so lucky, at this late stage in my uneven life, while out there in the wide blue yonder, so many were copping it tough.

Were those stricken with the bad the victims of a pendulum swing towards me? Isaac Newton’s third law of motion: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

I knew what to do.

Getting through the mail took time, wading through the inevitable penis enlargement promises, the cheap Viagra, the pleas from the Russian mothers living in single rooms with 37 children, the Belgian chocolate sales and the strange English Lord who claimed he had a cure for earache which involved a long stick, a lump of butter and if only he had the funds to get it off the ground he could get people listening again.

By the time I got through, I was through, but I kept going because I knew there was a column in it.

I tried to categorise and systematise but a couple of mails helped by not requiring a response, like this one from Frankfurt: “I have not been long with the Children, but, I am certain my captain will give me leave to escort my sister home.”

Then there was the inevitable lady from Russia, Kazan this time, along with two photos and assurances that she was “Your new the girlfriend from Kazan Elena”. Then the “Mail Delivery Failed” message informing me an email I had sent about a drug store in Toronto did not make it. That was lucky, because I realised there was no way I would be able to fill any orders for “low-price meds”.

On top of my list were the persistent chaps from Nigeria, not those promising money, but those requesting money for the final preparations necessary before I would receive $US870,000,000 for doing nothing other than sending them money, believing in God and trusting that my cash was only a token contribution to assist with streamlining matters at their end.

And then, out of nowhere, a note from a US soldier in Iraq: “I am a Captain J. G. Douglas of the US Marine Corps on Monitoring and Peace – keeping mission in Baghdad-Iraq, as you may know every day, there are several cases of insurgents attacks and suicide bombs going on here. We managed to Move funds belonging to some demised persons who were attacked and killed through insurgent attacks. The total amount is $23.2M dollars in cash.”

This was great news. I implemented my plan immediately.

Without hesitation I forwarded his email on to David Emeka from Nigeria, who required some initial funding and informed Captain Douglas that the entire $23.2M should be deposited in David’s account, and told David to forward his bank details to Capt Douglas.

Then, ecstatic as I was about winning the UK National Lottery, I knew I could never accept the money while there were others in need.

I replied to Mr John Mark, the Lottery’s Foreign Services Manager, Payment and Release Order Department, stating that that my entire winnings, “£3 million British Pounds Sterling national currency, should be signed over to Dr Edward Campbell from VIAGRA & CIALIS, email and postal address attached”.

Dr Campbell had informed me that my dosage was too low and I “urgently required renewal”. I told Dr Campbell that I had no idea how he “kept it up and I am only too happy to pass my windfall onto you so you can retire and ease the pressure on my inbox”.

None of the ungrateful bastards responded and now my spammer is back to normal I will never know if they do.

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